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Slide Notes
Divorce is an opportunity to change, to live a more realized life, in accord with your values, dreams, goals, and yes, intentions. Through a successful divorce, you can achieve a sense of peace, connection, joy, meaning, purpose, love…or whatever else is important to you.
An intention is a goal with soul. It is connected to who you are as your best self, and it brings you happiness and peace.
When it comes to divorce, I think setting intentions is so vital, so important. It is the difference between being a victim of your divorce, and being the architect and creator of your newly envisioned life.
By setting clear and conscious intentions, your divorce can become a transformative journey, moving from a place of stress, fear, doubt, overwhelm, procrastination, and guilt into a life of joy, love, and self-acceptance.
An intention is a goal with soul. It is connected to who you are as your best self, and it brings you happiness and peace.
When it comes to divorce, I think setting intentions is so vital, so important. It is the difference between being a victim of your divorce, and being the architect and creator of your newly envisioned life.
By setting clear and conscious intentions, your divorce can become a transformative journey, moving from a place of stress, fear, doubt, overwhelm, procrastination, and guilt into a life of joy, love, and self-acceptance.
Divorcing with Intention
Published on Apr 01, 2019
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PRESENTATION OUTLINE
Divorcing with Intention
Using Awareness to Chart a Course for Your Divorce
Divorce is an opportunity to change, to live a more realized life, in accord with your values, dreams, goals, and yes, intentions. Through a successful divorce, you can achieve a sense of peace, connection, joy, meaning, purpose, love…or whatever else is important to you.
An intention is a goal with soul. It is connected to who you are as your best self, and it brings you happiness and peace.
When it comes to divorce, I think setting intentions is so vital, so important. It is the difference between being a victim of your divorce, and being the architect and creator of your newly envisioned life.
By setting clear and conscious intentions, your divorce can become a transformative journey, moving from a place of stress, fear, doubt, overwhelm, procrastination, and guilt into a life of joy, love, and self-acceptance.
An intention is a goal with soul. It is connected to who you are as your best self, and it brings you happiness and peace.
When it comes to divorce, I think setting intentions is so vital, so important. It is the difference between being a victim of your divorce, and being the architect and creator of your newly envisioned life.
By setting clear and conscious intentions, your divorce can become a transformative journey, moving from a place of stress, fear, doubt, overwhelm, procrastination, and guilt into a life of joy, love, and self-acceptance.
Photo by Josh Adamski
Kira Gould
Divorce Coach & Founder of Getting Unmarried™
I set intentions for my divorce without really knowing what I was doing. I didn’t have the tools then that I have now. The tools that I intend to share with you here in this workshop. I did do a lot of soul searching, journal writing, and talking with friends, family, my coach, and therapist.
Through that inner and reflective work, it became clear that I wanted to move through my divorce in an elevated way: with dignity, clarity, compassion, thoughtfulness, respect.
I wanted to protect my two children, who were only 5 and 7 when their father and I decided to split. They were my top priority...but I didn’t have a clue really what I would be facing, or the best way to handle all of the changes, decisions, and upheavals that would come my way.
The good news is that by simply making those pledges to myself -- “I will protect my children”, etc. -- they became my marching orders, my mantras. When faced with a tough decision, I would hold it up to that unit of measurement: does this protect my children, or does it hurt them? Does this email I’m sending to my ex convey respect? Is it clear? Is it compassionate? Everything I did in my divorce could be measured by these intentions. What an incredible and powerful tool!
Through that inner and reflective work, it became clear that I wanted to move through my divorce in an elevated way: with dignity, clarity, compassion, thoughtfulness, respect.
I wanted to protect my two children, who were only 5 and 7 when their father and I decided to split. They were my top priority...but I didn’t have a clue really what I would be facing, or the best way to handle all of the changes, decisions, and upheavals that would come my way.
The good news is that by simply making those pledges to myself -- “I will protect my children”, etc. -- they became my marching orders, my mantras. When faced with a tough decision, I would hold it up to that unit of measurement: does this protect my children, or does it hurt them? Does this email I’m sending to my ex convey respect? Is it clear? Is it compassionate? Everything I did in my divorce could be measured by these intentions. What an incredible and powerful tool!
Divorce is a series of strategic decisions, coupled with big emotions, and driven by
life-changing intentions
Photo by Victoria Nevland
in·ten·tion
inˈten(t)SH(ə)n/
noun
a thing intended; an aim or plan;
the healing process of a wound.
I love this definition of intention: “an aim or plan”, OR “the healing process of a wound.” How perfect is that when it comes to divorce? Divorce comes with so many possible wounds: heartbreak, abandonment, abuse, trauma, infidelity, betrayal, loss, profound change, etc. And by setting intentions, we can heal those wounds, and maybe even mitigate future hurts.
Photo by Cut To Pieces
What’s my intention for this workshop?
To help people to transform their lives, change, yet still honor their families, protect their children, divorce with compassion, awareness, kindness, and true alignment with their values. Become connected on a deeper level with who they are as their best/higher selves.
My commitment, my intention: to learning and finding the Higher Self (best self), and sharing it with others. Discovering what motivates us. How divorce shapes us, changes our lives.
My commitment, my intention: to learning and finding the Higher Self (best self), and sharing it with others. Discovering what motivates us. How divorce shapes us, changes our lives.
Photo by Jason A. Samfield
How often do we just hurriedly move through our days, weeks, months, years?
When do we slow down enough to have time to reflect? Do you know what’s important to you? What’s meaningful? How familiar are you with what makes you happy? Or gives you peace?
With this workshop, I included a values exercise, so you can get clear on what's important to you.
I also encourage you to pause, and have a journal close by to jot down thoughts, reflections, and answers as you move through this workshop.
With this workshop, I included a values exercise, so you can get clear on what's important to you.
I also encourage you to pause, and have a journal close by to jot down thoughts, reflections, and answers as you move through this workshop.
Photo by mauro mora
BEFORE my divorce:
- Raising two kids
- Working
- Running a household
- Volunteering
- Dealing with life
I don’t know about you, but I was incredibly busy BEFORE my divorce: raising two kids, working part time, running a household, volunteering at school, just dealing with all the stuff that life throws your way.
+Divorce
- Educate yourself on how divorce works
- Find and hire an attorney or mediator
- Figure out complicated divorce papers
- Fill out financial disclosures
- Make strategic decisions
- Embrace change/transition
- Reinvent and rebuild your life
Then divorce comes along, and suddenly you’re drowning in everything that has to get done.
On top of all the regular daily chores and activities, you now have to end your marriage and all that entails…
You have to: educate yourself on how divorce works in your state. Find and hire an attorney or mediator, OR teach yourself how to fill out the myriad and complicated divorce papers, as well as all of the financial documents outlining ALL of your assets and debts, plus create a list of all your expenses. (Which brings up the stress of how will you pay for two households, when what you had barely covered ONE household?!?)
There are SO many decisions to make: how to fairly and equitably divide all of your stuff? Who’s going to move and to where? If you have children, what’s going to happen to them? Practically, emotionally? How will you live without seeing them everyday?
The amount of NOISE in your head just went up exponentially.
On top of all the regular daily chores and activities, you now have to end your marriage and all that entails…
You have to: educate yourself on how divorce works in your state. Find and hire an attorney or mediator, OR teach yourself how to fill out the myriad and complicated divorce papers, as well as all of the financial documents outlining ALL of your assets and debts, plus create a list of all your expenses. (Which brings up the stress of how will you pay for two households, when what you had barely covered ONE household?!?)
There are SO many decisions to make: how to fairly and equitably divide all of your stuff? Who’s going to move and to where? If you have children, what’s going to happen to them? Practically, emotionally? How will you live without seeing them everyday?
The amount of NOISE in your head just went up exponentially.
What is mindfulness?
Mindfulness in divorce is a new skill that might just save your life. It’s the buoy that gets thrown to you when you’re drowning. But it takes a bit of education, patience, and dedication to develop a habit of mindfulness.
Mindfulness is bringing attention and awareness to each and every moment of your life. Doing so gives meaning to your actions. It’s being conscious of what you’re doing, what you’re thinking.
Mindfulness is bringing attention and awareness to each and every moment of your life. Doing so gives meaning to your actions. It’s being conscious of what you’re doing, what you’re thinking.
Photo by Lina Trochez
con·scious·ness
- The state of being awake and aware of one's surroundings.
- The awareness or perception of something by a person.
- The fact of awareness by the mind of itself and the world.
Consciousness means being aware and awake, aware of your mind itself.
Consciousness is always a controversial topic in scientific circles...and has a long history in religious circles as well. We don’t know a lot about it, and it’s difficult to study. Where does our awareness reside? In our mind, in our cells? In our heart? Outside of ourselves? Is our consciousness universal? All connected? Divine?
For our purposes, we won’t get too much into the debate, but rather, think of it as being awake and aware, using our perception purposefully so that we may use our awareness to propel us forward in a direction that leads to what we desire.
Consciousness is always a controversial topic in scientific circles...and has a long history in religious circles as well. We don’t know a lot about it, and it’s difficult to study. Where does our awareness reside? In our mind, in our cells? In our heart? Outside of ourselves? Is our consciousness universal? All connected? Divine?
For our purposes, we won’t get too much into the debate, but rather, think of it as being awake and aware, using our perception purposefully so that we may use our awareness to propel us forward in a direction that leads to what we desire.
“I am responsible for what I see
I choose the feelings I experience
And set the goals I will achieve.
And everything that seems to happen to me I ask for, and receive as I have asked.”
- Marianne Williamson from
'A Course in Miracles'
Setting intentions is a process of discovering yourself.
Your intentions act as a mental model -- much like an architect’s blueprints -- helping you make decisions, and take ownership of your life.
It's a way to take back control in a very chaotic and confusing process.
We are making you the architect, the star, the expert, and the authority of your life.
Your intentions act as a mental model -- much like an architect’s blueprints -- helping you make decisions, and take ownership of your life.
It's a way to take back control in a very chaotic and confusing process.
We are making you the architect, the star, the expert, and the authority of your life.
Photo by Ben White
What do you want?
What do you long for? What are your hopes? Dreams? Intentions?
What is your new vision for yourself? Your divorce? Your redefined happily ever after?
Take a moment to get in touch with it.
Take the time to daydream and fantasize about your ideal divorce, and your ideal life.
We need your intentions to help guide you through. We need a big WHY...why are you doing this? What is your goal with soul?
What is your new vision for yourself? Your divorce? Your redefined happily ever after?
Take a moment to get in touch with it.
Take the time to daydream and fantasize about your ideal divorce, and your ideal life.
We need your intentions to help guide you through. We need a big WHY...why are you doing this? What is your goal with soul?
Photo by *Bárbara* Cannnela
Divorce Intentions:
- Be kind to myself
- Divorce with dignity, compassion, and clarity
- Use divorce as a catalyst for transformation
- Have an open heart
- Protect my kids
- Love myself, love my family, find love again
What are your divorce intentions? What are your intentions for your newly re-envisioned life? We'll move through the process of creating intentions in detail, but these are just ideas to get you thinking.
Some possible Divorce Intentions:
Give Myself Time to Heal
Cleanse My Mind of My Ex
Be Kind to Myself
Nurture and Take Care of Myself
Have Faith in the Process
Keep My Kids Out of It
Divorce with Dignity, Compassion, Clarity
Use Divorce as a Catalyst for Transformation
Have an Open Heart
Love Myself, Love my Family, Find Love Again
Stay Connected to My Values
Some possible Divorce Intentions:
Give Myself Time to Heal
Cleanse My Mind of My Ex
Be Kind to Myself
Nurture and Take Care of Myself
Have Faith in the Process
Keep My Kids Out of It
Divorce with Dignity, Compassion, Clarity
Use Divorce as a Catalyst for Transformation
Have an Open Heart
Love Myself, Love my Family, Find Love Again
Stay Connected to My Values
www.Intent.com
My dear friend, Mallika Chopra (daughter of renowned author/healer Deepak), is the master of intent. She’s written an exceptional book called “Living with Intent,” and is the founder of an inspirational social media site www.Intent.com, where people share their positive intentions with the goal of motivating and supporting one another.
If after this workshop, you want to dive further into the power of intentions, I highly recommend visiting her site, and reading her book. It's a wonderful public forum for living with intent.
If after this workshop, you want to dive further into the power of intentions, I highly recommend visiting her site, and reading her book. It's a wonderful public forum for living with intent.
Photo by Damian Zaleski
"Intentions reflect one’s purpose, what gives us meaning or significance. Intentions come from a place of mindfulness, of knowing what will give us happiness and peace. An intent is any goal you plan on accomplishing to achieve that happiness and peace."
-Mallika Chopra
Mallika’s phrase “intentions reflect one’s purpose, what gives us meaning or significance,” I relate that to our values, our drive, our core, who we are at our very best.
She says that our intentions come from a place of “mindfulness” -- that means getting quiet enough so that we may hear what’s truly important to us.
She says that our intentions come from a place of “mindfulness” -- that means getting quiet enough so that we may hear what’s truly important to us.
Photo by Levi XU
INCUBATE: Quiet your mind to tap into your deepest intentions
NOTICE: Become mindful of your thoughts and actions; pay attention to what gives you meaning and a sense of purpose
TRUST: Have confidence in your inner knowing – and allow that knowledge to guide you forward
EXPRESS: Write down your intentions; say them out loud or share them with others to fully embrace them and help you move ahead in your journey
NURTURE: Be gentle with yourself as you try to find your way. Intention isn’t always a straightforward path
TAKE ACTION: Once you’ve identified an intent...take the practical steps that can make each become a reality
In her book "Living with Intent", Mallika developed a mnemonic that helps her readers and her followers to learn to live with INTENT.
Her INTENT action plan includes: Incubate, Notice, Trust, Express, Nurture, and Take Action. Notice that the first letter of each step spells out the word “Intent”.
Let’s take what Mallika has so beautifully created, and look at it through the Getting Unmarried™ lens.
Her INTENT action plan includes: Incubate, Notice, Trust, Express, Nurture, and Take Action. Notice that the first letter of each step spells out the word “Intent”.
Let’s take what Mallika has so beautifully created, and look at it through the Getting Unmarried™ lens.
INCUBATE
“Quiet your mind to tap into your deepest intentions; see where this leads.”
"Quiet your mind to tap into your deepest intentions; see where this leads." - Mallika Chopra
What are some ways you can quiet your mind? It is difficult to quiet the noise that we are all very used to living with. Buddhists call this incessant chatter in our brains the “monkey mind.”
What are some ways you can quiet your mind?
It is difficult to quiet the noise that we are all very used to living with. Buddhists call this incessant chatter in our brains the “monkey mind.”
I think it’s a very apt term...you think of a busy and noisy monkey jumping from branch to branch, never settling for long, and getting into trouble for its insatiable curiosity.
It is difficult to quiet the noise that we are all very used to living with. Buddhists call this incessant chatter in our brains the “monkey mind.”
I think it’s a very apt term...you think of a busy and noisy monkey jumping from branch to branch, never settling for long, and getting into trouble for its insatiable curiosity.
Photo by Mohd Khomaini Bin Mohd Sidik
Meditation
For thousands of years, meditation has been the go-to method for quieting the mind, and getting to a place of true connection and awareness.
The benefits of meditation are robust, and easily accessible today, after having finally made it into the mainstream after being practiced for millenia in places like India and China.
What started as a religious tradition, meditation was a spiritual practice to elevate oneself from the mundane human reality to the transcendental universal reality.
The benefits of meditation are robust, and easily accessible today, after having finally made it into the mainstream after being practiced for millenia in places like India and China.
What started as a religious tradition, meditation was a spiritual practice to elevate oneself from the mundane human reality to the transcendental universal reality.
Photo by Spirit-Fire
Meditation Apps
- The Mindfulness App
- Headspace
- MINDBODY
- Buddhify
- Smiling Mind
- 10% Happier
How can you take advantage of meditation to quiet your mind?
Luckily for us, there are so many options for adding a bit of meditation in our lives.
It’s called the practice of mediation, as we will be practicing it, rather than perfecting it. And like any new habit, you’ll need to start small, and build up your stamina.
You can dip your toe into the water, and try something called the “One Minute Meditation,” where you take one minute to relax, and do some deep breathing.
A simple search on the App store on your phone, will result in many options, including:
The Mindfulness App
Headspace
Calm
MINDBODY
Buddhify
Insight Timer
Smiling Mind
10% Happier
There are so many choices, you can google them, read reviews, and find one that sounds interesting to you.
Luckily for us, there are so many options for adding a bit of meditation in our lives.
It’s called the practice of mediation, as we will be practicing it, rather than perfecting it. And like any new habit, you’ll need to start small, and build up your stamina.
You can dip your toe into the water, and try something called the “One Minute Meditation,” where you take one minute to relax, and do some deep breathing.
A simple search on the App store on your phone, will result in many options, including:
The Mindfulness App
Headspace
Calm
MINDBODY
Buddhify
Insight Timer
Smiling Mind
10% Happier
There are so many choices, you can google them, read reviews, and find one that sounds interesting to you.
Photo by NordWood Themes
Guided Meditation
- Unplug Meditation
- The Den
- Ceremony Meditation
- Lake Shrine
I have also really enjoyed guided meditation in a class format.
Thankfully, mental health and fitness is gaining in popularity, and to that end meditation studios are popping up all over the country.
Similar to a yoga studio, meditation studios offer guided meditation classes and workshops.
In Los Angeles, where I live, we have several, including Unplug Meditation, The Den, Ceremony Meditation, and Lake Shrine.
Try a google search for a mediation studio or class in your area, and see if there’s a meditation class near you.
Thankfully, mental health and fitness is gaining in popularity, and to that end meditation studios are popping up all over the country.
Similar to a yoga studio, meditation studios offer guided meditation classes and workshops.
In Los Angeles, where I live, we have several, including Unplug Meditation, The Den, Ceremony Meditation, and Lake Shrine.
Try a google search for a mediation studio or class in your area, and see if there’s a meditation class near you.
Photo by Erik Brolin
Relax
Sit quietly for 5, 10, or 15 minutes
If meditation is not for you, you could try just setting aside some quiet time each day. To just sit and relax.
In this busy, fast-paced world we live in, we often race through our days with no time for quiet or reflection.
Even if you have to put it into your calendar, allow yourself 5, 10, 15, or 20 minutes to just BE.
Light a candle, put on soothing music, drink a hot beverage. Keep it calm and restful. What works for you?
In this busy, fast-paced world we live in, we often race through our days with no time for quiet or reflection.
Even if you have to put it into your calendar, allow yourself 5, 10, 15, or 20 minutes to just BE.
Light a candle, put on soothing music, drink a hot beverage. Keep it calm and restful. What works for you?
Photo by Katie Moum
Yoga
Stretch and Breathe
There are countless schools of mediation, out of which yoga was born.
Yoga at its core uses awareness of breath and meditation for spiritual evolution. The stretching and exercises that we think of as yoga are an offshoot to try and distract our busy minds.
There are yoga studios that do gentle yoga, regenerative yoga, deep breathing yoga. These quieter type of yoga classes, may provide you with an opportunity to quiet your mind.
Choose a class that works for you. Try different types, different teachers, even different studios, to find one that resonates.
Yoga at its core uses awareness of breath and meditation for spiritual evolution. The stretching and exercises that we think of as yoga are an offshoot to try and distract our busy minds.
There are yoga studios that do gentle yoga, regenerative yoga, deep breathing yoga. These quieter type of yoga classes, may provide you with an opportunity to quiet your mind.
Choose a class that works for you. Try different types, different teachers, even different studios, to find one that resonates.
Photo by rawpixel
Flow
Mihály Csíkszentmihályi
Another way to quiet the mind is through exercise, or doing any sort of activity that produces a FLOW state for you.
Hungarian-American psychologist, Mihály Csíkszentmihályi coined the term “flow” in 1975, and today positive psychology calls it being fully immersed in an activity, full of focus and enjoyment of that activity. You could call it being in “the zone.”
What sorts of activities produce a state of flow for you? What activity could you do that would combine mindfulness and movement?
For me it’s dance (zumba!), tennis, and hiking. I love being in nature with my dogs, surrounded by beauty, and I can get lost in thought.
Hungarian-American psychologist, Mihály Csíkszentmihályi coined the term “flow” in 1975, and today positive psychology calls it being fully immersed in an activity, full of focus and enjoyment of that activity. You could call it being in “the zone.”
What sorts of activities produce a state of flow for you? What activity could you do that would combine mindfulness and movement?
For me it’s dance (zumba!), tennis, and hiking. I love being in nature with my dogs, surrounded by beauty, and I can get lost in thought.
Photo by Samantha Sophia
Perspective
Change your point of view
In my divorce, I enjoyed going to the beach, and seeing the immensity of the sea. Or being up high -- like hiking in the hills with views all around me.
Connecting with the power and beauty of nature, and literally shifting my perspective, was so powerful. I was able to quiet my mind, and do some internal reflecting.
As I recommend to all of my clients, keep a journal or notebook handy to jot down your thoughts. Writing things down can serve as a powerful reminder, and also a tool to get you out of your emotional mind, and back into your thinking/rational/logical mind.
Connecting with the power and beauty of nature, and literally shifting my perspective, was so powerful. I was able to quiet my mind, and do some internal reflecting.
As I recommend to all of my clients, keep a journal or notebook handy to jot down your thoughts. Writing things down can serve as a powerful reminder, and also a tool to get you out of your emotional mind, and back into your thinking/rational/logical mind.
Photo by Jean Gerber
NOTICE
“Become mindful of your thoughts and actionswhat gives you meaning and a sense of purpose.”
"Become mindful of your thoughts and actions and pay attention to what they tell you about what gives you meaning and a sense of purpose – and look for signs that can point you towards your truth."
Self-awareness -- bring awareness to your thoughts, your life, your feelings, your health, your relationship, your children, your divorce.
Pay attention to what is going on with you -- what’s going on inside your mind, inside your body, inside your spirit.
Photo by Ana Tavares
We have to notice the thoughts, to change them.
Lots of evidence that our thoughts affect our emotions, our emotions affect our choices, and our choices shape our lives. Dr. Dwayne Dyer: “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life”
Photo by Tachina Lee
“Our life is what our thoughts make it.” - Marcus Aurelius, MEDITATIONS
Neural pathways: The way you think wires your brain. You can have well-worn neural pathways, such as negative thinking, self-criticism.
Rather than give up a well-worn route, it may be easier to create new pathways, new ways of thinking. Create new habits.
Self-fulfilling prophecy -- your thoughts create your reality.
Rather than give up a well-worn route, it may be easier to create new pathways, new ways of thinking. Create new habits.
Self-fulfilling prophecy -- your thoughts create your reality.
Photo by Neil Melville-Kenney
"Mindfulness"
- Creation of new categories
- Openness to new information
- Awareness of more than one perspective
Ellen J. Langer in her book “Mindfulness” portrays these three key qualities of a mindful state of being.
New categories: When you describe things in great detail, you will eventually become aware of some quality that you appreciate.
Openness: Being open to new information, means being open to cues in our environment.
Perspective: Having multiple points of view, can be liberating.
New categories: When you describe things in great detail, you will eventually become aware of some quality that you appreciate.
Openness: Being open to new information, means being open to cues in our environment.
Perspective: Having multiple points of view, can be liberating.
New categories: When you describe things in great detail, you will eventually become aware of some quality that you appreciate.
For example: A drug designed to lower blood pressure actually stimulated hair growth as a side effect. Being able to create a new category in the situation, allowed the scientists to discover a product that would help people who were balding.
What situation in your divorce could you look at in a new light? And see potential new benefits?
What situation in your divorce could you look at in a new light? And see potential new benefits?
Photo by PeterThoeny
Openness: Being open to new information, means being open to cues in our environment.
What new information are you getting from your divorce? Stay open to things being different than you originally thought.
Photo by Katerina Pavlyuchkova
Perspective: Having multiple points of view, can be liberating.
“Every idea, person, or object is potentially simultaneously many things depending on the perspective from which it is viewed...take the couple in Woody Allen’s film Annie Hall, who were asked by their respective therapists how often they made love. ‘Hardly ever,’ says the man, ‘no more than three times a week.’ ‘Constantly,’ says the woman, ‘at least three times a week.’"
Photo by Anika Huizinga
When we apply an open-minded attitude to our behavior, change becomes more possible.
We might not be aware that we may be viewing our greatest weaknesses also as our greatest gifts…
For example maybe you think you are gullible, and want to change that about yourself. But you also love how trusting you are. You may view being gullible as a negative quality, but trusting as a positive one, but they are really two sides of the same coin.
Bringing your awareness to this, might be helpful, in bringing about positive change.
For example maybe you think you are gullible, and want to change that about yourself. But you also love how trusting you are. You may view being gullible as a negative quality, but trusting as a positive one, but they are really two sides of the same coin.
Bringing your awareness to this, might be helpful, in bringing about positive change.
Photo by Eddi van W.
Emotions
Can you notice and name to let go?
Dr. Siegel at UCLA researching how naming emotions actually helps to calm the limbic system, which is the emotion-processing part of the brain. The same area that is responsible for the fight or flight process, when we feel we are in mortal danger.
Can you notice and let go of the negative emotions? And the harsh personal criticisms?
Can you notice and let go of the negative emotions? And the harsh personal criticisms?
Photo by tuckett
Noticing Exercise
- Write down everything you do for a week, in detail.
- What did you do?
- How did you do it?
- Who decided on what to do?
- Be descriptive
- Note down your feelings as well
Write down everything you do for a week, in detail.
What did you do? How did you do it? Who decided on what to do? Was it you? Was it your spouse? Was it your children?
Be descriptive: rather than say I ate breakfast, elaborate, what did you eat? What time? Did you cook, microwave, eat cold cereal? Note down feelings as well.
What did you do? How did you do it? Who decided on what to do? Was it you? Was it your spouse? Was it your children?
Be descriptive: rather than say I ate breakfast, elaborate, what did you eat? What time? Did you cook, microwave, eat cold cereal? Note down feelings as well.
TRUST
Have confidence in your inner knowing – and allow that knowledge to guide you forward
“Have confidence in your inner knowing – and in the messages the universe sends you – and allow that knowledge to guide you forward.”
Trust Yourself
No one else knows more about your life than you do. You are the best expert on your life. Mallika says: “We may rely on others and turn to others for help, but ultimately our answers come from within.”
This section is about learning to trust your inner wisdom, and your intuition.
You are the best judge of whether your choices and the actions that you take will make you happy and fulfilled.
Your goal is to get in touch with your heart and soul. Listen to your gut. Your mind adds filters, questions, and doubts. We want to look past the mind. Go deeper into the inner recesses. Get quiet enough so that we can hear that soft inner voice that’s whispering something to us.
This section is about learning to trust your inner wisdom, and your intuition.
You are the best judge of whether your choices and the actions that you take will make you happy and fulfilled.
Your goal is to get in touch with your heart and soul. Listen to your gut. Your mind adds filters, questions, and doubts. We want to look past the mind. Go deeper into the inner recesses. Get quiet enough so that we can hear that soft inner voice that’s whispering something to us.
Photo by Amanda Dalbjörn
Mistakes
Allow for missteps & exploration
Trusting yourself also means allowing for mistakes, for mis-steps, for exploration, and for discovery.
Divorce is a process. It’s a journey into unfamiliar territory.
We’re going to be like we were as small children, learning about the world around us. Discovering our new place in it.
It will be like learning to walk all over again. You will need to start small, and build your skills. You have to sit up before you can stand, stand before you will take a step, stumble and get up again before you can take a few steps in a row. All of these actions are normal and to be expected.
Divorce is a process. It’s a journey into unfamiliar territory.
We’re going to be like we were as small children, learning about the world around us. Discovering our new place in it.
It will be like learning to walk all over again. You will need to start small, and build your skills. You have to sit up before you can stand, stand before you will take a step, stumble and get up again before you can take a few steps in a row. All of these actions are normal and to be expected.
Photo by Gustavo Nudo (Guslight)
Time
Setting new habits can take 40 days
The ability to set intentions takes time to develop. Learning and solidifying a new habit can take up to 40 days (or more!) of concerted effort.
I recommend starting small, and being gentle with yourself. Just like that new baby learning to walk, developing new skills takes time, effort, practice, encouragement, and maybe even a loving, helpful hand to offer support and guidance.
I recommend starting small, and being gentle with yourself. Just like that new baby learning to walk, developing new skills takes time, effort, practice, encouragement, and maybe even a loving, helpful hand to offer support and guidance.
Photo by Xraijs_
Trust Others
Choosing the right support after betrayal
In divorce you may be seriously doubting your ability to trust. Maybe there’s been a major betrayal, in the form of infidelity, emotional cheating, or a series of lies, omissions, possibly even hidden assets.
You may be feeling very vulnerable and exposed at this moment, and not very inclined to put your trust in others after you’ve been hurt by the one person who was supposed to be your most intimate confidant and greatest champion.
The tendency after some form of betrayal is to isolate, and hide from any feelings of shame or humiliation.
However, in order to rebuild trust, you will need other people. People who are going to be there to help support you. This could be in the form of a support group, a therapist, a divorce coach, or a religious counselor. I understand how sensitive this topic is...I lived through it personally myself.
Though I was deeply hurt, I made a promise to myself to stay open, and carefully rebuild my feelings of trust through conscious choices of friendship, and professional guidance. Before trying my hand again at intimate relationships.
You may be feeling very vulnerable and exposed at this moment, and not very inclined to put your trust in others after you’ve been hurt by the one person who was supposed to be your most intimate confidant and greatest champion.
The tendency after some form of betrayal is to isolate, and hide from any feelings of shame or humiliation.
However, in order to rebuild trust, you will need other people. People who are going to be there to help support you. This could be in the form of a support group, a therapist, a divorce coach, or a religious counselor. I understand how sensitive this topic is...I lived through it personally myself.
Though I was deeply hurt, I made a promise to myself to stay open, and carefully rebuild my feelings of trust through conscious choices of friendship, and professional guidance. Before trying my hand again at intimate relationships.
Photo by JD Hancock
Trust the Universe
You may or may not believe in a higher power.
Going through divorce opened me up to spirituality, and this idea that there is a force greater than me at work. And that this incredible life lesson came along because I was in need of a life overhaul.
I needed to trust that my divorce was happening for a reason. And that I would be taken care of...that I would come out happier, healthier, and more complete at the other end. I needed to put my trust into the universe, that the right people, help, opportunities, and circumstances would come along. That I would be guided across the turbulent waters to safety on the other side.
Going through divorce opened me up to spirituality, and this idea that there is a force greater than me at work. And that this incredible life lesson came along because I was in need of a life overhaul.
I needed to trust that my divorce was happening for a reason. And that I would be taken care of...that I would come out happier, healthier, and more complete at the other end. I needed to put my trust into the universe, that the right people, help, opportunities, and circumstances would come along. That I would be guided across the turbulent waters to safety on the other side.
Photo by Greg Rakozy
EXPRESS
Write down your intentions; say them out loud or share them with others to fully embrace them
“Write down your intentions; say them out loud or share them with others to fully embrace them and help you move ahead in your journey.”
Mallika believes that “putting desires into words and expressing your deepest dreams can help transform them into reality.”
Mallika believes that “putting desires into words and expressing your deepest dreams can help transform them into reality.”
Ways to Express
- Write them in a journal
- Put them on a sticky note
- Say them like a mantra
- Share them with friends or family
- Put them on social media
- Write on “flying wish paper”
There are so many ways to express your intentions.
You can write them down in your journal, you can put them on a sticky note and place it in a conspicuous place, like your bathroom mirror.
You can say them over and over to yourself like a mantra, or an affirmation.
You can email or share them to a close friend or family member.
You can share them with the world through social media, like FaceBook or Instagram. Or you could post it on Mallika’s site: Intent.com.
You could buy some “flying wish paper”, write your intention on it, and light it on fire, watching it float off into the heavens, sharing your dreams with the universe.
You can write them down in your journal, you can put them on a sticky note and place it in a conspicuous place, like your bathroom mirror.
You can say them over and over to yourself like a mantra, or an affirmation.
You can email or share them to a close friend or family member.
You can share them with the world through social media, like FaceBook or Instagram. Or you could post it on Mallika’s site: Intent.com.
You could buy some “flying wish paper”, write your intention on it, and light it on fire, watching it float off into the heavens, sharing your dreams with the universe.
Clarity
Knowledge = Power
Repeating your intentions often helps solidify them in your mind, and gives them more power, more energy.
Knowing your intentions help to ground you and keep you centered. Even in times of chaos and overwhelm.
Being clear on your intentions will help to guide you as you are faced with the many decisions in divorce. Helping you to make choices and act in ways that are in line with and reflect your intentions.
Knowing your intentions help to ground you and keep you centered. Even in times of chaos and overwhelm.
Being clear on your intentions will help to guide you as you are faced with the many decisions in divorce. Helping you to make choices and act in ways that are in line with and reflect your intentions.
Photo by Rupa Panda
Accountable
Your network creates a framework
Sharing your intentions helps to hold you accountable.
If you have friends, family, and/or a supportive professional who are all aware of your intentions, we can serve as reminders for you. Or create a framework, that will keep you moving in the right direction.
Also, if you put it out into the world that you want to do something, the universe will start organizing itself to make your intention a reality.
If you have friends, family, and/or a supportive professional who are all aware of your intentions, we can serve as reminders for you. Or create a framework, that will keep you moving in the right direction.
Also, if you put it out into the world that you want to do something, the universe will start organizing itself to make your intention a reality.
Photo by DaveR1988
NURTURE
Be gentle with yourself as you try to find your way
“Be gentle with yourself as you try to find your way. Intention isn’t always a straightforward path, just like life, and giving yourself opportunities to try – and fail – is often part of, and even crucial to, the process.”
nur·ture
- Care for and encourage the growth or development of
- The process of caring for and encouraging the growth or development of someone or something.
As you move through divorce you will want to nurture your intentions as well as yourself.
Many of your intentions will likely take time and effort to come to fruition. And you will need to sustain yourself on this tumultuous journey.
Many of your intentions will likely take time and effort to come to fruition. And you will need to sustain yourself on this tumultuous journey.
Self Care
What does that look like for you?
Nurturing yourself and your intentions will require you to practice self-kindness and self care. What does that look like for you? What makes you laugh or feel joyful? What do you need to do to take care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being?
Photo by Plush Design Studio
You First
Oxygen Mask Analogy
A helpful visual that really resonated with me when I was going through divorce, was the common idea of putting on our oxygen mask first before we help others.
Photo by Calle Macarone
Support
What kind of help do you and your intentions need?
What kind of support do you need as you move through this journey? What kind of help do you need to foster your intention? Can you rely on family, friends, neighbors, tribe, professionals/experts? Who’s in your support network?
Photo by Diego PH
TAKE ACTION
Take the practical steps to make your intention become a reality
“Once you’ve identified an intent, or even multiple ones, don’t sit and wait for it to magically manifest; instead take the practical steps that can make each become a reality. It may be easiest to choose one intent first and set short-term goals to help you get started.”
Without action, intentions are just words.
As a divorce coach, I’m all about discovering and committing to action steps. Steps that will move my clients from where they are now to where they want to be.
Setting intentions requires attention, commitment, action, and energy.
Setting intentions requires attention, commitment, action, and energy.
Photo by popofatticus
Do what you can NOW. Don’t put it off until some unknown time in the future. All we have is the present.
We need concerted effort. What can we do today to move towards our goal?
What three things can we commit to?
"Small steps over time, lead to great distances." - Unknown
Even doing one action a day can lead to forward movement, increased confidence, and more control.
Ask yourself, "Is there one action I could take today that would bring my ideal life closer?" or "What is the most important action I could take today?” It may be something as simple as making a phone call, getting a book, or just creating some space.
What three things can we commit to?
"Small steps over time, lead to great distances." - Unknown
Even doing one action a day can lead to forward movement, increased confidence, and more control.
Ask yourself, "Is there one action I could take today that would bring my ideal life closer?" or "What is the most important action I could take today?” It may be something as simple as making a phone call, getting a book, or just creating some space.
Photo by Stephen Leonardi
Miracle?
All we need is opportunity
We don’t need to wait for a miracle, we can realize our intentions, and reinvent our happily ever after by seizing common, everyday opportunities.
You can design your future by being alert to and aware of opportunities.
Equally important is knowing when to take action and when not to. Sometimes pausing is so powerful.
You can design your future by being alert to and aware of opportunities.
Equally important is knowing when to take action and when not to. Sometimes pausing is so powerful.
Photo by barbasia.
All answers are within me. I follow my inner wisdom.
As you allow yourself to dream, as you figure out your values, and set your intentions, you are creating your new reality.
You are the authority on what is good for you.
Divorce can be a process for discovering yourself. Go within and see what resonates with you.
It can be tempting to think that others, experts/friends/family, have the answers. And there is a time to listen to others when you find yourself in unfamiliar territory, and you need to acquire knowledge. But at a certain point you need to listen to your own inner wisdom, and chart your own course. Setting intentions for your divorce and your newly transformed life is the path.
You are the best authority on how to live your life.
You are the authority on what is good for you.
Divorce can be a process for discovering yourself. Go within and see what resonates with you.
It can be tempting to think that others, experts/friends/family, have the answers. And there is a time to listen to others when you find yourself in unfamiliar territory, and you need to acquire knowledge. But at a certain point you need to listen to your own inner wisdom, and chart your own course. Setting intentions for your divorce and your newly transformed life is the path.
You are the best authority on how to live your life.
Photo by Frida Bredesen
