CONFLICT RESOLUTION

GUIDELINES FOR GIVING AND RECEIVING CORRECTION
by Darlene Cunningham

General thoughts to consider when handling "sticky situations."

1- In hearing a rumor or report of another's sin, always
approach the need to deal with it through the grid of
grace. Acknowledge your own temptation, weakness
and failures. God can't give us His grace to deal with a
situation if our own pride gets in the way. Remember
that we are all "sinners, saved by grace."
Titus 3:1-8 We were once foolish ourselves
Proverbs 3:34 God opposes the proud but gives grace to
the humble
James 4:6-17 Read entire passage.

2- Remember that restoration is always the
end goal of correction. Humility on the part of
the leader is a key ingredient.
Galatians 6, "Brethren, even if a man is caught
in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore
such a one in a spirit of gentleness; looking to
yourselves, lest you too be tempted. Bear one
another's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of
Christ."

3- Always believe the best in others. Ask God for discernment, not the "gift of suspicion." Unsanctified curiosity will destroy the gift of discernment, but if curiosity is sanctified by love, you will be able to trust the Holy Spirit's hunches to have you be in the place you need to be, hearing the things you need to hear.

4- Guard your tongue. Choose wisely who, if anyone, you should share with about an alleged offense. There is no excuse for being loosed-tongued with your spouse, other leaders, followers or anyone. Time and reflection are important in order to diffuse your own and others' emotions.

Proverbs 16:23, "The heart of the wise teaches his mouth, and adds persuasiveness to his lips."
Proverbs 18:21, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue...."
Colossians 4:6, "Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned as it were, with salt, so that you may know how you should respond to each person."

THINGS TO CONSIDER IN ARBITRATION

1- Ask: "Where have I/we as leaders failed to give proper oversight to the people involved or the situation?" We need to take responsibility in every way we can as leaders, at the same time recognizing each individual's responsibility for his own wrong choices.

2- Check the facts and details to learn all
sides of the story. Give an honest, objective listen to all parties involved. It is
important as a just leader to remain
impartial. When you hear a negative report, hang it on a hook in your mind and
consciously tell yourself, "I've only heard
part of the story." Guard against labeling
people or jumping to conclusions.

3- Ask, "Has a Biblical principle been
violated?"

4- Consider how culture or personal preference may have affected the situation
or people's perspectives.

5- Ask, "What is the spiritual and
chronological age and background of the
individual?" It is a different matter for a
newly converted prostitute to commit an
immoral act than for a person who has
been a pastor for 30 years to do so. For
the ex-prostitute, it's just one step
backward; for the pastor, it's a 180-degree
turn.

6- Consider how broad the individual's circle of influence extends.

7- Is the person repentant?

8- What restitution should be made? Carefully weigh the ramifications of such decisions as sending someone home from YWAM. Dismissal may be the "easy" immediate solution, but the long-term implications in relationship with the individual, his family and home church are enormous.

If the person is in leadership and is repentant, it is still often important for them to be relieved of their leadership responsibilities, not as an act of
discipline, but as an opportunity for discipleship in their area of weakness.

9- What is the scriptural basis for any course of action you decide to pursue?

10- What is the proper circle of people who must be communicated with regarding the offense, according to the person's sphere of influence? Who should not be drawn into communication?
Circles to consider: YWAM leaders, staff, students, parents, home pastor. What is the best method for communicating: in person, on the telephone or in writing?

Wisely weigh the fact that written
communication may last far longer than the resolution of the offense and can continue to do much damage.
If it is right and necessary for the individual to make a public confession of sin, you as a leader should stand together with them, giving your support.

What discipling process and support relationships should be set in place to see that the individual is restored? If you as a leader do not know how to handle a situation, call in a leader above you who does.

WHEN A LEADER MUST CONFRONT AN INDIVIDUAL

Untitled Slide

• Deal with the situation. Don't just "let it ride."
• Ask God to give you the fear of the Lord and a spirit of God's grief over the sin.

Follow the guidelines in Matt 18.
Go first to the person in private.
Choose/create an environment which will minimize stress on the individual. Don't make the person wait outside the place of meeting for any length of time.

Don't create "barriers" to communication by sitting
behind a desk or other objects which "remove" you
from the individual.
Don't accuse. Take as much blame onto yourself as possible.

Take a witness with you. Choose someone who is
impartial and wise who will help those involved to hear
each other. Don't "bribe" the witness with information.

How to respond when
someone confronts YOU

1- Look beyond the person's words to the motives of their heart. The method or approach may be harsh or unwise, but if you'll take their complaint to the Lord in humility, you may learn much.

2- Look for the truth. Even when 99% of a complaint is unwarranted, there is nearly always some seed of truth to be discovered. Our critics are often our best friends. They help keep us in balance.

3- Don't be defensive. If someone "comes
on strong" with an accusation against you,
remember that it is possibly out of their
own insecurity. You, as an authority figure have a great potential to wound others easily and deeply if there is a lack of self control or wisdom in your response.

Beware of taking a "you, you, you" attack mode in order to defend yourself.
Remember that love delights to cover over another's transgression.

4- If you have difficulty receiving correction, do a
study on the "wise man" who receives instruction.
Proverbs 1:5, "Let the wise listen and add to
their learning, and let the discerning get guidance."
Proverbs 4:13, "Hold on to instruction, do not let
it go: guard it well, for it is your life."

Proverbs 9:9, "Instruct a wise man and he will
be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will
add to his learning.

How to avoid the need for
someone to confront you

1- Make yourself vulnerable and
approachable. Create an environment which encourages people to feel free to give input and ask questions. This will
also allow many opportunities for you to teach principles.

2- Be humble. Freely admit, "I don't have it all together. I need you and your input." Recognize that you have areas where you need to learn. A threatened leader carries a heavy burden, always trying to cover over weaknesses to make himself look good.