Copy of Copy of Conversations for Success: Part 2
Published on Apr 09, 2016
Conversations for Success: part 2 of 3
MORE DECKS TO EXPLORE
PRESENTATION OUTLINE
DID YOU READ THE 'CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS' CHAPTER?
As humans, we are perfectly designed to be...
Photo by bitmask
... emotional, feeling, 'irrational' beings
Photo by Digital Vision.
'POSITIVE' FEELINGS USUALLY ENHANCE OUR THINKING
We feel safe & tend to 'embrace' Life (& people)
Photo by Robby Ryke
'NEGATIVE' FEELINGS DUMB DOWN OUR THINKING
We feel unsafe & react with instinctive fight, flight or freeze
Photo by Scott Kinmartin
WHEN WE FEEL UNDER THREAT (REAL OR IMAGINED)
Our survival instincts literally take over ...
YOUR 'RATIONAL' THINKING IS LITERALLY SHUT DOWN
your body is drugged up to 'rumble or run'!
Photo by Tomas
NOW, TRY TO HAVE A SENSIBLE CONVERSATION!
You can't!! You're in survival mode, not sensible mode
Photo by #L98
EMOTIONS ARE RESOLVED, NOT SOLVED
Problems can be solved; feelings need to be resolved
This section gives a rather fast & cryptic lesson in emotional intelligence & the difference between solving problems and resolving emotions.
When people are more emotional than they are rational - you need to resolve their feelings before you can move to an effective (rational) problem solving conversation.
It can be quite funny to watch a (usually well intended) person try to help solve another person's problem when that other person is mostly emotional.
The simple skills described in this section provide a more effective (and easier) approach to resolve the usual day-to-day negative emotions (upsets, frustrations, concerns, fears, irritations, defence, annoyances, etc) AND solve the problem(s) - if required.
When people are more emotional than they are rational - you need to resolve their feelings before you can move to an effective (rational) problem solving conversation.
It can be quite funny to watch a (usually well intended) person try to help solve another person's problem when that other person is mostly emotional.
The simple skills described in this section provide a more effective (and easier) approach to resolve the usual day-to-day negative emotions (upsets, frustrations, concerns, fears, irritations, defence, annoyances, etc) AND solve the problem(s) - if required.
Photo by coolinsights
FEELINGS NATURALLY 'RESOLVE'
WHEN FELT, EXPRESSED & RELEASED ('LET GO')
Q: What comes out when you lift the lid off a boiling pot of water?
A: Steam.
Q: What happens to the steam?
A: It disperses.
When we notice, acknowledge, accept, own, feel & appropriately express our feelings - they naturally 'move', subside and disperse. Like the steam from a boiling pot. This is how feelings are naturally (& usually easily) resolved.
Try it sometime when someone you care about is upset. Allow them to vent & fully express their feelings WITHOUT you trying to fix anything or solve any problem (yet). Just listen, be fully present, acknowledge their feelings & the situation without needing or trying to fix anything (yet).
A: Steam.
Q: What happens to the steam?
A: It disperses.
When we notice, acknowledge, accept, own, feel & appropriately express our feelings - they naturally 'move', subside and disperse. Like the steam from a boiling pot. This is how feelings are naturally (& usually easily) resolved.
Try it sometime when someone you care about is upset. Allow them to vent & fully express their feelings WITHOUT you trying to fix anything or solve any problem (yet). Just listen, be fully present, acknowledge their feelings & the situation without needing or trying to fix anything (yet).
Photo by Chrystian Guy
IF YOU'RE IN DANGER OF DOING DAMAGE
To yourself or someone else ...
If you've really 'lost it' ( i.e. a full 'amygdala hijack') and are in danger of doing yourself or someone serious physical, verbal or emotional damage - if you can ...
Photo by reynolds.james.e
WALK AWAY!
If you can ...
Get out of there! Walk away and take some breaths. Anything else you do in that emotional, dinosaur brained condition is likely to be ugly and something you'll regret.
Photo by number657
IF YOU'RE JUST FEELING THE 'NORMAL' DAY-TO-DAY
annoyed, pissed off, frustrated, etc then ...
For 'normal' day-to-day upsets - the following usually work ...
Photo by Vicente Alfonso
TALK IT OUT ...
with a friend or neutral person, not your tormentor(s)!
There are a few simple ways people tend to express their feelings:
Talking it out with a safe person who will just listen, not try to fix anything, and not use your emotional venting against you.
It is such a luxury to have someone be fully and respectfully present and just listen to your venting and wailing. 'Just listening' is a wonderful skill and ability to have.
How do you rate on your ability to be fully present and respectfully just listen to people's concerns, fears, worries, frustrations and annoyances?
Talking it out with a safe person who will just listen, not try to fix anything, and not use your emotional venting against you.
It is such a luxury to have someone be fully and respectfully present and just listen to your venting and wailing. 'Just listening' is a wonderful skill and ability to have.
How do you rate on your ability to be fully present and respectfully just listen to people's concerns, fears, worries, frustrations and annoyances?
WALK IT OUT ...
Some people prefer to (or need to!) walk it out.
They need to walk as they feel & express what they're feeling. Walking can be a great way to get people out of the office, into fresh air, with space to feel and express what they're feeling.
Walking & talking allows a different conversation & expression from what happens when sitting in an office, meeting room or cafe. Moving the body through walking helps the emotional energy to move, shift & disperse.
People are often more expressive, more open & feel safer to talk while they walk. Try it.
They need to walk as they feel & express what they're feeling. Walking can be a great way to get people out of the office, into fresh air, with space to feel and express what they're feeling.
Walking & talking allows a different conversation & expression from what happens when sitting in an office, meeting room or cafe. Moving the body through walking helps the emotional energy to move, shift & disperse.
People are often more expressive, more open & feel safer to talk while they walk. Try it.
Photo by pablofalv
WORK IT OUT ...
exercise can be a great way to release negative feelings
Sometimes it's more effective to sweat out your negative feelings by exercise. You 'work it off'.
Feelings and emotions are sometimes described as 'E(nergy in) Motion'. That's horribly 'new age' and, perhaps it's a useful insight for you? ...
When we're feeling something - that emotional energy wants to move. The most natural way to do that is to simply feel the feelings & express them (appropriately). Usually, that feeling will naturally subside & disperse (like the steam).
NB: Feelings don't come in neat bundles. They come in vibrant & chaotic mixtures. It's almost impossible to feel just one feeling at a time or for an extended time. If you're in touch with your feelings you'll notice you feel a 'colourful' array of positive & negative, happy & sad feelings AT THE SAME TIME. One feeling is usually dominant at any time but, there's also a 'bouquet' of flavour, colour & texture. For example, it's common to feel excited and scared at the same time.
Feelings and emotions are sometimes described as 'E(nergy in) Motion'. That's horribly 'new age' and, perhaps it's a useful insight for you? ...
When we're feeling something - that emotional energy wants to move. The most natural way to do that is to simply feel the feelings & express them (appropriately). Usually, that feeling will naturally subside & disperse (like the steam).
NB: Feelings don't come in neat bundles. They come in vibrant & chaotic mixtures. It's almost impossible to feel just one feeling at a time or for an extended time. If you're in touch with your feelings you'll notice you feel a 'colourful' array of positive & negative, happy & sad feelings AT THE SAME TIME. One feeling is usually dominant at any time but, there's also a 'bouquet' of flavour, colour & texture. For example, it's common to feel excited and scared at the same time.
Photo by Ed Yourdon
DON'T (ONLY) THINK IT OUT
Feelings aren't thoughts (duh)
It's a common 'mistake' or habit (usually among men or more masculine types) to try to understand and think through difficult feelings.
That's useful to a degree however, the basic flaw with this approach to 'emotional intelligence' is that feelings are not thoughts (duh). Intellectual intelligence is a different 'plane' to emotional intelligence. The head & heart speak a different language.
Understanding how and why we feel what we feel is (intellectually) useful. AND, it is irrelevant in terms of our ability and intelligence to FEEL what we feel - and through feeling our feelings - to access the emotional intelligence of feeling & fully experiencing our feelings.
Feelings don't need to be understood. They just need to be felt, (maybe expressed), & released or 'let go'. The head needs to understand feelings. The heart accepts feelings as just (a vibrant) part of our experience of things, people & situations.
That's useful to a degree however, the basic flaw with this approach to 'emotional intelligence' is that feelings are not thoughts (duh). Intellectual intelligence is a different 'plane' to emotional intelligence. The head & heart speak a different language.
Understanding how and why we feel what we feel is (intellectually) useful. AND, it is irrelevant in terms of our ability and intelligence to FEEL what we feel - and through feeling our feelings - to access the emotional intelligence of feeling & fully experiencing our feelings.
Feelings don't need to be understood. They just need to be felt, (maybe expressed), & released or 'let go'. The head needs to understand feelings. The heart accepts feelings as just (a vibrant) part of our experience of things, people & situations.
Photo by Udo Schröter
AND, STOP TRYING TO 'FIX' FEELINGS!
LET PEOPLE 'VENT' THEN (MAYBE) HELP SOLVE THE PROBLEMS
So, if you get the basic point of this 'model' and skill - don't try to fix or solve people's feelings (including your own).
Just let them feel & express (vent) how they're feeling until the feelings (naturally) subside (usually a few minutes in a work situation).
For most day-to-day upsets & irritations, it usually only takes a few minutes for a person to vent their feelings and for those feelings to naturally subside.
You can then offer to help solve their problems. They may accept & move to a more rational, problem solving conversation - or, they may gratefully decline and thank you for listening ("I just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening").
Just let them feel & express (vent) how they're feeling until the feelings (naturally) subside (usually a few minutes in a work situation).
For most day-to-day upsets & irritations, it usually only takes a few minutes for a person to vent their feelings and for those feelings to naturally subside.
You can then offer to help solve their problems. They may accept & move to a more rational, problem solving conversation - or, they may gratefully decline and thank you for listening ("I just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening").
Photo by Pete Prodoehl
DID YOU READ THE 'CRUCIAL ACCOUNTABILITY' CHAPTER?
When it comes to dealing with difficult conversations ...
OUR MOST COMMON RESPONSE IS FLIGHT;
We avoid the issue & the people (& hope they 'go away')
Photo by spinneyhead
OUR NEXT MOST COMMON RESPONSE IS FIGHT
We attack the problem & the people!
Some people may react very aggressively in their behaviour &/or attitude to the change.
That's normal too. (And, never easy to deal with).
That's normal too. (And, never easy to deal with).
Photo by marvelousRoland
BOTH RESPONSES ARE DRIVEN BY NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
We go into flight (& avoidance) or fight (& attack)
Photo by Lauren Fritts
PRACTICING EFFECTIVE CONVERSATIONS
Helps us resolve our feelings & solve the problems
Photo by Avia Venefica
DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS OFTEN PASS THRU A SERIES
of emotional & intellectual 'stages of awareness'
In difficult situations, you often can't solve the feelings and solve the problems in just one conversation.
It often takes several conversations. Knowing where each person is at in their 'stage of awareness' can be useful to keep up your spirits by seeing if you're progressing to useful understanding & acceptance and action, or not.
It often takes several conversations. Knowing where each person is at in their 'stage of awareness' can be useful to keep up your spirits by seeing if you're progressing to useful understanding & acceptance and action, or not.
Photo by Dazzie D
STAGES OF AWARENESS
Awareness - Acceptance - Action - Achievement
When a person's feelings take more than a few minutes to vent and subside - understanding the first half of this model or process can be useful.
Sometimes, our feelings need more than just a good rant to be resolved. Sometimes our head and our heart need time to come into alignment before we can take effective (rather than reactive) action.
Sometimes, our feelings need more than just a good rant to be resolved. Sometimes our head and our heart need time to come into alignment before we can take effective (rather than reactive) action.
Photo by Art Wolfe
FROM UNAWARE TO AWARE (& LIFE IS FOREVER CHANGED)
To move someone from unaware of a change required or an issue to address, to aware of that change or issue - is potentially life changing.
We cannot address what we are unaware of.
Awareness is the beginning of all change, growth, learning, progress.
There is a saying "The hand that closes a book is not the same hand that opened it".
We cannot address what we are unaware of.
Awareness is the beginning of all change, growth, learning, progress.
There is a saying "The hand that closes a book is not the same hand that opened it".
Photo by - luz -
FROM AWARE TO SOME UNDERSTANDING (INTELLECTUAL)
Just because we are aware of something does not mean we understand it (or accept it).
We use the term 'understanding' to mean intellectual understanding. We understand the facts, reasoning, timing & basic logistics or steps required.
If you tend to 'lead with your head', you're logical and rational - then you will probably need to understand the basic facts of a situation before you can start to accept it. ...
We use the term 'understanding' to mean intellectual understanding. We understand the facts, reasoning, timing & basic logistics or steps required.
If you tend to 'lead with your head', you're logical and rational - then you will probably need to understand the basic facts of a situation before you can start to accept it. ...
Photo by kakissel
FROM UNDERSTANDING TO SOME ACCEPTANCE (EMOTIONAL)
Intellectual understanding alone is NOT enough for you to take effective, properly thought through action on anything that is new or different to what you are used to or familiar with.
You need to have emotional / psychological acceptance of a situation before you can engage in that situation effectively - with both intellectual understanding of the situation AND emotional acceptance.
If you tend to 'lead with your heart' you will start or lead this cycle of understanding and acceptance with some level of emotional acceptance in order for 'your head to open' so you can take in the facts and rationale of the situation.
You need to have emotional / psychological acceptance of a situation before you can engage in that situation effectively - with both intellectual understanding of the situation AND emotional acceptance.
If you tend to 'lead with your heart' you will start or lead this cycle of understanding and acceptance with some level of emotional acceptance in order for 'your head to open' so you can take in the facts and rationale of the situation.
Photo by artforumrenaissance
TO A CYCLE OF MORE UNDERSTANDING, ... MORE ACCEPTANCE ...
The more difficult a situation is for you - the more you'll need to move round a cycle of intellectual understanding and emotional acceptance.
It's literally a cyclical process. Understand then accept. Understand more, accept more, etc.
The DABDA acronym (based on research of people going through grief or loss) found people move through a cycle of Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Depression (or melancholy) - and finally to Acceptance.
The more a person allows (& is allowed) to feel and express each part of the cycle - the quicker they move to acceptance.
Denying or NOT feeling the (normal) feelings slows the process. The stereotypic example of this is a person who's still bitter & twisted about their divorce (which was 20 years ago!!)
It's literally a cyclical process. Understand then accept. Understand more, accept more, etc.
The DABDA acronym (based on research of people going through grief or loss) found people move through a cycle of Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Depression (or melancholy) - and finally to Acceptance.
The more a person allows (& is allowed) to feel and express each part of the cycle - the quicker they move to acceptance.
Denying or NOT feeling the (normal) feelings slows the process. The stereotypic example of this is a person who's still bitter & twisted about their divorce (which was 20 years ago!!)
Photo by highersights
WITH 'ENOUGH' UNDERSTANDING & ACCEPTANCE
Our 'head' & 'heart' align so we can...
With enough understanding and enough acceptance - our head and heart are aligned.
Our rational understanding of the logistics & reasons for the issue or change are aligned with our emotional / psychological acceptance of the issue - rather than being mis-aligned or in conflict.
From that point we can ....
Our rational understanding of the logistics & reasons for the issue or change are aligned with our emotional / psychological acceptance of the issue - rather than being mis-aligned or in conflict.
From that point we can ....
Photo by listentoreason
... ENGAGE RATIONAL ANALYSIS (VS REACTIVE)
When our head and heart are aligned; when we have moved out of the DABDA cycle, we can engage in a reasonably rational analysis of the options we have to move forward.
When we are going through the DABDA cycle - we tend to take a reactive approach to considering our options. Typically people say they're on board with the change or issue but, emotionally they don't fully accept the situation or their role. So, 'they say one thing, but do the opposite!'
It's the process of aligning our rational thinking & understanding with our emotional and psychological acceptance of the situation that is the important outcome of this part of the Stages of Awareness. Being able to track this in the people you are working with can help enormously to guide people through the chaotic emotional elements of change and on to effective action ...
When we are going through the DABDA cycle - we tend to take a reactive approach to considering our options. Typically people say they're on board with the change or issue but, emotionally they don't fully accept the situation or their role. So, 'they say one thing, but do the opposite!'
It's the process of aligning our rational thinking & understanding with our emotional and psychological acceptance of the situation that is the important outcome of this part of the Stages of Awareness. Being able to track this in the people you are working with can help enormously to guide people through the chaotic emotional elements of change and on to effective action ...
Photo by John-Morgan
TO TAKE OUR 1ST (TENTATIVE) ACTION STEPS
The first steps we take in a change effort are often tentative, awkward and precious.
It's useful to do everything possible to support people's first action steps in a change to be successful or at least a positive learning experience.
You don't want people to take their first step into a change and fall flat on their face (in a muddy puddle)!
It's useful to do everything possible to support people's first action steps in a change to be successful or at least a positive learning experience.
You don't want people to take their first step into a change and fall flat on their face (in a muddy puddle)!
Photo by fabulousphotosbybrittany
To more action
From this point we are into the (hopefully) rational part of this process with action being taken toward our goal. Engaging the issue or change, implementing, collaborating, etc.
Photo by srgpicker
And more action ...
With most problem solving & behaviour change - it takes consistent, persistent actions toward the solution or new behaviour in order to be successful.
Photo by Alain Limoges
AND REMEMBER, RELAPSE IS NORMAL (BUGGER!) ...
And, relapse or backward steps or failed steps in any change - ARE NORMAL.
One of the key skills in guiding people through change is to be ready for relapse, to have that planned for in advance so, when it happens - you can handle it without drama.
You can normalise it, not make a big deal of it - and help people to 'get back up' and 'get going again'.
One of the key skills in guiding people through change is to be ready for relapse, to have that planned for in advance so, when it happens - you can handle it without drama.
You can normalise it, not make a big deal of it - and help people to 'get back up' and 'get going again'.
Photo by Magalie L'Abbé
AND FINALLY, ACHIEVEMENT 👏
It's only through consistent, persistent, intelligent action that a change or new solution to a situation is achieved.
Unfortunately, the efforts to change are usually stopped or reduced before the change is fully embedded in people's behaviour and the organisations' systems.
Unfortunately, the efforts to change are usually stopped or reduced before the change is fully embedded in people's behaviour and the organisations' systems.
Photo by Philo Nordlund
REMEMBER TO CELEBRATE
Before moving to the next difficult conversation!
It's unfortunately common that we are dealing with multiple issues & changes at once and never pause to celebrate success (or even progess). We just move from one issue, change or major project to the next.
Photo by Werner Kunz
BE 'WHOLE SYSTEM SAVVY'
Consider the whole 'matrix' to make things easy...
Ken Wilber's 'Integral Model' is a useful way to think of and map out 'the Whole System' in any situation you are facing.
Draw up a two-by-two matrix using a whole page. A vertical line down the middle and a horizontal line across the middle.
Use a flip chart sheet or white board if you're doing this with a group.
Label above the top left column 'Internal Reality'.
Label the top right column 'External Reality'.
Label the top row (write on the far left side of the upper boxes) 'Individual Reality'.
Label the bottom row 'Collective Reality'.
Draw up a two-by-two matrix using a whole page. A vertical line down the middle and a horizontal line across the middle.
Use a flip chart sheet or white board if you're doing this with a group.
Label above the top left column 'Internal Reality'.
Label the top right column 'External Reality'.
Label the top row (write on the far left side of the upper boxes) 'Individual Reality'.
Label the bottom row 'Collective Reality'.
Photo by krossbow
AND, THE FINAL & MOST IMPORTANT POINT
in this difficult (part 2) of our 'program' is ...
Photo by U.S. Army Europe Images
IT'S 'CRUCIAL' TO LOOK AFTER YOURSELF
Your physical, emotional & mental well being
You need to look after your physical, emotional, intellectual, psychological and spiritual health.
You need to support other people at work to do the same. It's easy to forget about this, particularly if you're giving everything you've got to get through the various issues at work.
Encourage people to take time to notice and enjoy the small pleasures & joys of life; usually this is family, loved ones, friends, enjoyable pursuits or places, good food, regular time to relax & rejuvenate (we're talking a few minutes to a few hours on this last point - NOT a 3 month vacation!)
You need to support other people at work to do the same. It's easy to forget about this, particularly if you're giving everything you've got to get through the various issues at work.
Encourage people to take time to notice and enjoy the small pleasures & joys of life; usually this is family, loved ones, friends, enjoyable pursuits or places, good food, regular time to relax & rejuvenate (we're talking a few minutes to a few hours on this last point - NOT a 3 month vacation!)
Photo by __MaRiNa__
SUMMARY OF PART 2
- We're both rational & emotional beings
- Under threat we react instinctively to fight or run
- Negative emotion shuts down our thinking
- Dealing with negative emotions in effective conversations is crucial
- Feelings can't be 'fixed', they naturally resolve (if felt & let go)
Photo by carianoff
CONTINUED IN PART 3...
Photo by Michael-Wilson
