Healing After a Breakup

Breakups, whether divorce or splitting up after having dated, are a fact of life. But as just about everyone knows, breaking up with someone you had (and maybe still have) feelings for is never as simple as simply walking away. You miss the them, you think of them and sometimes you can't make yourself move on.

The reason for this is because there are three stages of love: Lust, Attraction and Attachment. The hormones released during these three stages make it difficult, but not impossible, to get over your ex. All you need is knowledge of the three stages of love and a willingness to try.

Lust

• Before we go to attraction, let's take a quick look at the first stage of love. Lust is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and oestrogen and is the cause of the initial physical attraction. Since most relationships are based on more than just sex, we will move on to the second stage of love.

Attraction

• Attraction, the second stage of love, is when you can't stop thinking of your lover whether they are present or not. This feeling is caused by the hormone serotonin.

Healing

• Knowing that memories of your former partner are going to haunt you means that you can be prepared to resist them

One way to stop unwanted memories is to change your schedule so you aren't constantly being reminded of your ex when you see the places you used to go together or when you do something the two of you used to do together

It could also be a good idea to go do something exciting and maybe risky if you miss the thrill of love. Excitement and arousal are so similar that the former can often be mistaken for the latter. So instead of agonizing over your ex, go do something fun!

Before moving on to the third stage of love, I'll point out that not all breakups end with you never seeing the person again. In fact, sometimes you have to see and interact with them. Sometimes you stay friends. That means you may have to occasionally hug or touch them. If you still have feelings for them then this might cause some obvious problems......

Attachment

• Attachment, the third stage of love, maintains the bond that from and evolutionary point of view is meant to keep the couple together long enough for them to have and raise children. This bond is the work of the hormone oxytocin.

Oxytocin

• Oxytocin deepens feelings of attachment, strengthens social bonds and causes the area in your brain responsible for reward and pleasure to function. It is released during sex and other intimate gestures like hugging, kissing and holding hands

This means that if you already have feelings for the person you are touching, oxytocin increases those feelings. If that person is a former partner and someone you need to get over, that means that avoiding further physical contact is the best course of action.

More about Oxytocin

• Oxytocin has another affect that may be useful in healing a person after a breakup. The hormone also intensifies existing connections and suppress feelings of pleasure when seeing someone other than a person with which one has a bond.

This ability can be a bad thing or a good thing. It can prevent you from moving on after a breakup if oxytocin stops feelings of pleasure when you see an attractive face that isn't your ex's. On the other hand, if you focus on creating new bonds or deepen existing ones while staying away from your ex, eventually you may not feel any pleasure at seeing their face.

NOTE: That doesn't mean that it's ok to lead other people on so you can get over your ex! Remember that oxytocin only enhances existing connections. Basically, go and talk to people you are close to and stay away from your former significant other so you no longer feel interested in them