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Making friends is crucial. That way, no one will think you’re just a lonely piece of cheese. To make friends, you could attempt to socialize by starting conversations. (Example: “What’s your blood type?” “Have you ever considered eating your own internal organs?”) if socializing isn’t for you, here’s a different route you could take, and it’s quite simple- you only need a few items from your kitchen!
Photo by Matheus Ferrero
First, you’ll need to grab a trash bag, or maybe two, depending on the size of your potential friend. Next, you’ll need a washcloth (or a paper towel, if you’re a wasteful prick). And finally, you’ll need to grab a large knife from your kitsch drawer. Now that you’ve gotten all the necessary items, you can go out and make yourself a friend.
Photo by Helena Lopes
First, enter a public area and begin to observe the humans around you. Decide which one would be a suitable friend. Once you’ve selected a human, walk up behind them, but be very quiet so they don’t notice. Friends love surprises! Also, make sure no one else is around you, they might be shy. Now that you’re behind them, grab the washcloth and put it over their face, dragging them backwards towards you. Make sure to do it forcefully so they notice you!
Photo by Omar Lopez
Next, take the trash bag(s) you brought from earlier. Knock them unconscious by giving them a friendly high five in the face with your fist, and shove them into the trash bag(s) for a fun ride. Then, drive them back to your house, and take them into the basement. Basements are usually boring, so when your friend wakes up, they’re forced to pay attention to you! Humans can be skittish, so to make sure they won’t run away when they wake up, put the bag(s) in a corner and stand in front of it.
Photo by Phil Coffman
Now this is where the knife comes into play! Have your knife at ready. When the human wakes up, hold the knife a few inches away from their face. Most humans surrender in this situation, so you already have a strong bond. Next, look them in the eyes (eye contact shows you are caring and honest) and keep the knife in their face. Then, to show you are gentle and non-hostile, whisper “Be my friend.” This works 100% of the time and is the best proven method to making a new friend!
Photo by Luz Adriana Villa A.
