Think Your Colleague is Prickly?

Former Ambassador to the United States Derek Burney Offers Five Key Insights on Working with Difficult People

In many ways, Justin Trudeau and Donald Trump are opposites

..on issues like:

• Immigration
• Gender
• Diversity

More pressing is the fact that the new president of the US wants to re-negotiate the North American Free Trade Agreement ASAP.

If you're Trudeau, you lead a country that has 65% of its foreign trade with the United States, so this is an important deal.

To a greater or lesser degree, each of us has a Donald Trump in our lives: a tough, prickly, sometimes even immoral person we wish didn't have to deal with.

How do you negotiate with such people?

In a recent interview, former ambassador to the United States Derek Burney had some advice for the new Trudeau/Freeland team.

As a conflict resolution coach, I was struck by how universally applicable Burney's techniques were:

Burney's Negotiation Advice

• Your relationship matters - a lot
• Note the bark but focus on the bite
• Be both relaxed and circumspect

I'll deal with each of these, one at a time

1. Your relationship matters

Therefore beware of the tendency...

If Trudeau were to talk with Trump about sexism or racism, it is unlikely they settle their differences.

Burney said, "It's much more constructive... to stake out areas of common ground and try to find agreement..."

He raised his voice and spoke with passion, ".... find areas of common ground, that's the best way to get attention..."

Even unrelated similarities can help lubricate interactions.

"Personal relations are the most critical item in the diplomatic tool bag," he asserted.

For example, Trump and Trudeau are both dealmakers who know how to work the media.

When Jimmy Carter negotiated the Camp David Accords

Even though he and Menachem Begin didn't get along as well,

Carter broke the ice when he made an emotional connection with the Israeli Prime Minister

He met with him and said, "You know, this is not just for us. This is for our grandchildren."

Carter gave Begin gifts for each of his grandchildren, with their names already on the gifts.

Begin was deeply moved. The Camp David Accord was signed later that day.

Personal connection in a negotiation has changed and can change the world.

2. Note the bark

Burney pointed out that what a public figure says to the media can be different from what they negotiate behind closed doors.

Tellingly, on Trump's own website, the dialogue on NAFTA does not even mention Canada, just Mexico.

While we should always be prepared that people might make good on their threats, it's also important to make it easy for the person to back down without trapping them in their words.

will soften in a negotiation:

Softening Your Prickly Person

• Prepare by guessing what they want
• Begin by making a relational connection
• Get them talking about their needs (find out what they really want)
• When it's your turn:

When it's your turn

• Happily point out areas of agreement
• Before discussing your bottom line, give reasons for your bottom line

When possible, act as though they would have a different opinion if they had the complete information about where you're coming from

Bear in mind that the reasons for your position need to be addressed, more than your position

I have had many negotiations where I never staked out exactly what I wanted; just named the reasons I wanted to keep talking.

I have had many negotiations where I never staked out exactly what I wanted; just named the reasons I wanted to keep talking.

When I do that, I find I often get MORE of what I want.

When it's your turn, continued

• Happily point out areas of agreement
• Before discussing your bottom line, give reasons for your bottom line
• Name the disagreement succinctly, as a joint problem to be solved

Do this in two steps

First, ask the other party, "What's your goal here today?" Get them to re-state their purpose. Usually they are there to negotiate.

Second, summarize both parties' needs by describing the problem in one sentence:

"So our purpose today is to negotiate an agreement so that you get as much of _______ as possible and we get as much of _______ as possible...

"Let's roll up our sleeves and figure out how we can best get that for our people."

3. Be both relaxed and circumspect

Burney summed up his thoughts:

"I don't think we should be complacent but I don't think we should set our hair on fire, either.

"I think we should keep our cool, be vigilant, and engage with the administration."

Burney's advice is good for all of us.

Burney's Negotiation Advice

• Your relationship matters - a lot
• Note the bark but focus on the bite
• Be both relaxed and circumspect

Softening Your Prickly Person

• Prepare by guessing what they want
• Begin by making a relational connection
• Get them talking about their needs (find out what they really want)
• When it's your turn:

When it's your turn

• Happily point out areas of agreement
• Before or instead of discussing your bottom line, give the reasons for your bottom line
• Name the disagreement succinctly, as a joint problem to be solved

For 20 years Michael Labun has been a mediator, conflict resolution coach and workshop facilitator. He has worked across Canada with Government, Businesses and Not-For-Profit agencies, helping them resolve conflict. You can find him at www.bebetteratwork.com