PRESENTATION OUTLINE
Ladies and Gentlemen, it falls to me, your allocated Lassie for this evening, to take up the challenge of replying to Brian's toast. And what a great toast it was, so I'd personally like to thank him very much for being so lovely about us Lassies gathered here this evening
Now, Gentlemen, you may not realize just how wonderful it is to be woman, but I have compiled a list of the top 10 reasons why it is just bloody dandy to be a lassie.
10. We get off the Titanic first.
9. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
8. We can cry and bat our pretty lashes and be excused speeding fines. Right, Rich?
7. We never look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
6. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure certain bits are still there.
5. We have the ability to dress ourself.
4. We know that there are times in life when chocolate really can solve all our problems.
3. We will never ever regret piercing our ears.
2. We have the magical ability to fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
And the number 1 reason why it is great to be a lassie ... We can scare every lad with mysterious gynaecological excuses
Unfortunately, however, it also falls to me to lower the tone of the evening and talk about men - not that I'm in any way suggesting those two things might go hand in hand. And what better way to pay homage to the lads on this day of birth of Scotland' favorite son, than with a bit of poetic verse.
Ah, how my female heart
yearns
For those yesteryear times of
Rabbi Burns
When men were men, and
women fair of face
Objects of desire, if firmly in
their place
How would we modern
women feel do you
suppose
If our men were to liken us
to a red, red, rose?
Would our hardened hearts
not beat and flutter so
If they called us their
Highland Lassie, O?
Could Cupid’s arrow
possibly score a miss?
If on our lips our man
planted Ae Fond Kiss?
With pleasure would we
not nearly die
If his body met ours coming
thro’ the rye?
We’d surely be delighted,
truth to tell
If affectionately, he called
us, handsome Nell
Toward him, how could we
vent our spleen
If he held us tight and
called us bonnie Jean?
Oh the romantic poet,
handsome and so wise
Was no saint and he liked
to womanise
But he did it with panache
and with charm
And his flattering words
kept him out of harm
Sure Rabbi Burns lived way
back in the 18th century
And this, now of course is
2014
So much has changed since
Rabbi ploughed the
land
If he saw us now would he
possibly understand?
In his day he was quite a
heavy hitter
But what would he make of
Facebook or of Twitter?
Of YouTube, TiVo or the
mobile phone
Of never being out of
touch, or ever alone?
Yet many things have really
changed so little
Are 21st century hearts all
that more brittle?
We women now expect
equality
But we’d surely still go
weak at the knee
If our men were just a little
less pedantic
Less ‘modern’ and a little
more romantic
I know that we have heard
them all wax lyrical
Express their love without
being satirical
For their sweet beloved
lassie right enough
Yes, sometimes our men are
made of softer stuff
There’s one of them who’s
proven he can care
For the lovely looks of his
lassie fair
And another who’s
besotted as can be
With his cheeky little minx
called Miss Betsy
For one of them there’s
never a bad word
About his swift and nifty,
funny, sunny bird
And another who enjoys
some slap and tickle
With a wee fair lass he
calls his Lady Pickle
For one lass it might well
be a drag
That affectionately she’s
called his Scallywag
For another, it is quite plain
to see
In his lassie’s arms it’s like
a Rhapsody
One of them has such a
sense of fun
He likens his lassie to a
smoking gun
Yes you’re all full of
bonhomie and banter
But could one of you pen
for us a Tam
O’Shanter?
Most of you could spin us a
line
But what could you create
for Auld Lang’s Syne?
Ach you may not all be
poets, just mere men
And for us lassies you
come in useful now and
then
You may not all be like
dear Rabbi Burns
But a woman loves a man
who quickly learns
You know, for all their shortcomings, we women couldn't get along without men. If nothing else, we'd need someone to boss around. And your little foibles are usually why we like you so much - as Burns himself said 'A Man's a Man For A'That'.
It makes it easy to forget
The mess he made on
Sunday
Or the car that he forgot to
wash
Or how loud he snored on
Monday.
Yes, these lads are quite
the catch.
They're handsome and
they're strong.
They make us feel so safe
and warm
In their arms where we
belong.
So, although as a women, it pains me, I'm going to give the last word to a man - the man of the hour - Robert Burns, before we toast the Laddies. It's Burns who gives the best picture of the perfect harmony of men and women getting along:
We will big a wee, wee house,
And we will live like king and
queen;
Sae blythe and merry's we will be,
When ye set by the wheel at e'en.
A man may drink, and no be
drunk;
A man may fight, and no be slain;
A man may kiss a bonie lass,
And aye be welcome back again!
So, before another minute
passes,
Let's all stand and raise our
glasses
In a toast to lads from
lasses,
And get them all up off
their asses!!
