PRESENTATION OUTLINE
I would never forget the first day of the end of my life, I mean who could. Doctors pouring in and out the rooms, I.V's in and out of my arms, my mom in and out of tears, and most horrible of all everybody in and out of answers. Nobody knows the downward spiral into insanity until your being told your going to die.
Stage 4 breast cancer, the most aggressive monster that has grazed this land was the verdict. I think the look on my mom's face was the worst, a look of disappointment that her young girl would go before her mixed with the look of fakery that everything would be okay. I can't say I wasn't sad or scared out of my mind because I was but what could I have done? I pondered that question at every excruciating chemotherapy treatment I attended, and not even my brown haired best friend could give me an answer.
He was with me, every step, he never left and I could tell it was taking a toll on him. He was no longer the same bright eyed boy, his face was riddled with shock and hurt but covered with the hope of a brighter day and that is what I admired most. In the face of adversity he saw beauty and that might have been why I held on for so long or maybe the idea of being without that is what scared me the most. In a way Isaac was my light and with this sickness as a lightswitch I was utterly terrified of the day that the lightswitch would inevitably be turned off.
Isaac and I had always been friends, best friends. I met him running along the playground in 2nd grade. Although he was a boy and icky to me at the time we clicked and ever since we were inseparable. I never looked at Isaac as anything but my friend and it was mutual, everyone knew that wherever Syd was Isaac was soon to follow. We never expressed any odd feelings or did we ever disagree it was always good... Perfect. Everyday we would talk endlessly about our lives and what we expected in them and everyday he amazed me with his dreams and aspirations. I had never met such a visionary as Isaac was. I would sit for hours and hours just to hear him talk because in comparison I was just a small fraction of the person he was, in a way after a while he was what made me who I am and even though I didn't know up until it was too late that I was apart of him also.
Everything was great, 14 years of friendship without any hiccups. He was always there for me and I there for him. We went through things together, I was supposed to always be there and for a while I was at least as long as I could be.
Nothing hurt more than being bedridden and besides the pain of the sickness a deeper pain riddled my body the pain of not being able to be there for Isaac. Not being able to do what we once did and I could tell it hurt him too. Days seemed like months and months seemed like years but it's not like I wanted them to go any faster. When your dying everything is in slow motion and everything has a purpose, the flowers smell sweeter and the sun shines brighter. Each minute I cherished because I soon wouldn't be able to do so. Each minute I cherished because I knew they were numbered. Each minute I cherished because each one was one less I could spend with Isaac.
As the end became clearer and clearer and the pain too much too bare the treatments stopped. The hope stopped and eventually for me the pain stopped. I remember the last minutes, I remember looking up and seeing everybody I loved including Isaac. At that very moment my heart broke. My heart broke into a million tiny fragments and this pain was more unbearable than anything the cancer could have brought. My heart broke for my mom, it broke for my dad, it broke for my brothers, it broke for my family but weirdest of all it broke for Isaac. For the first time in our 14 years of friendship hope was not on his face, instead in its place sorrow resided.
My heart broke because I knew the reason for his dolefulness was me and i could do nothing about it. For once in my life I couldn't help my best friend. I couldn't fix what was wrong. As I took my last breaths I prayed that he would find peace, I prayed that he could go on and be everything we talked about, I prayed that he could happy because isn't that all you want for your best friend?
You don't realize the impact a person makes on your life until you reach the end and as the man dressed in black came to claim its prize I realized that I loved Isaac and he loved me. Not the type of love that fuels marriages, not the type that makes intimacy even more special, not even the type that one may have for a pet, not infatuation, not even attachments. I'm talking about love that you don't even know exists until the moment you lose it, love that comes so naturally it becomes apart of your very being, love that pushes you to go that extra mile without you even noticing how long the ride is. Though rare it does exist and this is the type of love I had for Isaac. This is the type of love I will always have for Isaac.
