What is self-differentiation? We sometimes use it in a jargon-y way, so I'll present a brief overview of the theory and history, a few sample behaviors that are more and less healthy, and we'll talk about the 3 primary tasks self-differentiated leaders must attend.

Murray Bowen introduced the concept of Family Systems Theory. Edwin Friedman built upon it, particularly as it relates to leadership issues in organizations.

In human systems, there is always some level of anxiety, even about positive things.

Acute anxiety happens when we are planning a marriage, having a disagreement, moving, and managing life's many transitions. We are able to manage the issues and come to a place of resolution.

Chronic anxiety is seen when we never deal adequately with issues, such as declining church growth, rapid societal and cultural change, chronic illness. Instead of finding ways to resolve it, we push it underground, where it can be retriggered, often unexpectedly.

When we think about self-differentiation, it's helpful to note that in the center, we have a wider repertoire of healthy behaviors and responses to choose from. As we move out to the edges, these tend to be reactive, automatic, and instinctual. We tend to have a default position that we go to when we are functioning out an unhealthy space.

On this end of the spectrum, we feel that we cannot function unless we are glued together. Alternate views are viewed with suspicion. "You are with us or against us."

On the opposite side of the continuum, we cut ourselves off from connection in order to manage the anxiety. We walk away or shut ourselves off from ideas and opinions that differ from and challenge our positions. "I'll just take my ball and go home."

Depending on where we tend to default, there are behaviors that help us tie up the chronic anxiety and resolve the tension. It allows us to once again bury the anxiety rather than deal with it.

Fights, disagreements, finding others who agree with us, parking lot conversations, vestry mutinies

Tends to show up as passive-aggressive behaviors. Friedman talks about overfunctioners as the scavenger fish at the bottom of an aquarium--what happens when they get tired of eating all the shit? Under-functioners allow others to carry their load, and play the victim heroically.

I just need to get away.

Putting their own needs, desires, and anxieties onto others.

A way to manage anxiety, drama triangles also have default positions: victim, rescuer, persecutor. We have all ridden this particular carnival ride, and we all have default entry positions. But by the end of the ride, everyone is a victim, and everyone feels a little bit sick.

In this space, you have the most healthy behaviors available to manage anxiety, your own and others'.

Try to be Teflon not Velcro. "You can fry your eggs in my pan, but at the end you're gonna slide right out."

Supportive, present, and allow and encourage others to help themselves.

I see you, I hear you, you are important to me. AND, I need you to see, hear, and value me, too.

In healthy systems, everyone needs to manage and own their responsibility for the work they are contributing to.

You are you, and I am me. We can collaborate beautifully, and I need to manage my own care. That may include asking for your help, but I cannot demand it.

Manual pp.133-135

Taking in information, as an individual, as a team leader, and as an organizational leader. Communication, reflection, staying in touch.

Data-based, non-reactive, reflective, well-thought out positions about what we are doing and where we are going. Especially important when embarking on a change in direction.

Stay connected with those who are resistant or ambivalent. Remember, often change processes are launched in a beta-version--be open to adaptation, while still being clear about how you went about setting the direction in the first place: data-driven and reflective.

Friedman video
Followup Q&A