The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work
Published on Apr 05, 2016
Do you want to know why some marriages last and others don't? Take a look at this summary of Dr. Gottman's research and you'll discover how to save a troubled marriage or make a good marriage better.
MORE DECKS TO EXPLORE
PRESENTATION OUTLINE
The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work
By Dr. John M. Gottman, PhD
I recently read this book and thought it was so fantastic, I had to share! Many people feel their marriage can't be fixed. But it can. Read this, put the principles into practice, and heal.
Photo by scribbletaylor
Having studied young couples for years, Dr. Gottman can predict within the first 6 minutes of listening to a disagreement whether or not the marriage will survive -
with 91% accuracy!
Photo by Candida.Performa
What are the warning signs?
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
When you start a disagreement, do you start out gently or do you go for the jugular right from the get-go? Bad sign. Do you criticize the person rather than the action? Not healthy. Do you use sarcasm, dismissiveness, eye-rolling? Hurtful. Do you feel like you're under attack and start to complain that you're the victim, or make excuses? Or do you just shut down and not respond? These are not healthy behaviors. But they're just bad habits, and can be turned around.
Photo by Ed Yourdon
But even if you have some of these signs,
THERE IS HOPE!
Photo by Jim Nix / Nomadic Pursuits
1: Develop a Love Map
Know about your partner's world, beliefs, interests, hopes, fears.
Learn about your spouse. Know what's going on in his or her day, life, family. Talk frequently and find out about each other. The more you know about what makes your partner tick, the more you will be able to discuss things positively and constructively and work towards common goals.
Photo by Christian Cragun
2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
Think of the positive things about your partner.
Every day remind yourself of the good things about your spouse. Tell your spouse what you admire, and tell others. The more you do this, the more these positive thoughts will drive out any negative feelings - or at least make them seem less significant in perspective.
Photo by cheetah100
3: Respond to "Bids" for Connection.
Respond to those little, casual comments.
Looking out the window, "Oh!" says the wife. "What a pretty bird." Husband looks up from his paper. "Is it red? I saw a cardinal outside the other day." "Yes. Maybe it's the same one." Both go back to what they were doing. They have just added "currency" to their "love bank." Many such seemingly mundane encounters build up the couple's togetherness and strengthen them for when they have disagreements. They care about even the little things about each other's day. That speaks volumes.
Photo by elikesa
4: Let Your Spouse Influence You
You're a team, a connected whole. Turn to each other for advice.
This one is very gender-related. While most women are sensitive to their spouse's opinions and wishes and try to find compromise, most men are not. And when a man is not willing to share power with his wife, there is an 81% chance of divorce. Husbands, give your wives some say. Respectfully, not grudgingly. Work as a team.
Photo by [ Ben ]
5: Solve Your Solvable Problems
Most conflicts are based on deeply held values, which can be combined.
Talk about WHY you each have the behavior or belief that causes the disagreements. If he's leaving a trail of clothes and newspapers, it's not because he's a slob or doesn't love you. Maybe it's because he grew up in a very strict home and dropping his clothes means freedom to him. And you're not asking him to clean up because you're a nag who wants to control him. Maybe to you, a clean house represents order and security, because your mother was never home and the house went to pot. Freedom and security are not at odds. Talk about how you can both fulfill your needs while respecting the needs of the other.
Photo by colemama
6: Overcome Gridlock
Even if differences can't be combined, they can still work together.
Though some problems seem huge, they are often solvable, as described in the previous step. But sometimes, only sometimes, the dreams or values are not compatible, or it would require a change in the partner's very personality. In these cases, accept the other person's view and learn to respect it. You may never agree, but find ways to cope, maybe with a good-natured joke that signals the issue is about to surface, or simply by focusing on the good side. Are you frustrated because your spouse is very easy-going, and therefore doesn't care about things that you think really matter and deserve a stronger response? Let it go! Think about all the GOOD aspects of an easy-going spouse!
Photo by lindsayshaver
7: Create Shared Meaning
Develop rituals, memories, goals that make you ONE.
Every family is a microculture. Create your own shared experiences (history), family stories (legends), and traditions (customs).
Photo by fikirbaz
Dr. Gottman's book contains many exercises and quizzes to help healthy couples grow closer and struggling couples renew their love and connectedness. You CAN have your happily-ever-after. Struggles will happen, but they can make us stronger.
Photo by l'Ours
Untitled Slide
Talk about shared experiences! :)
Art and I with our six children, Christmas 2015.
27 years and counting!
Our happily-ever-after.
2015.
Jeannette A. Williams
I'm an editor, writer, and homeschool marm.
My interests are gardening, healthy eating, and traditional family values.
We can connect via LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/jeannetteawilliams.
My interests are gardening, healthy eating, and traditional family values.
We can connect via LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/jeannetteawilliams.
